My One and Only

It’s been so long since I have wrote a blog entry, since then a lot has changed... I moved clear across the country, in an attempt to pull myself out of the tomb I found myself in, waiting for my husband to come home... It was a sound decision. I am now living in his home state, a place we spent visiting often throughout the years. I’m doing much better now. After a brief attempt at taking my own life, I got help.

I know in my last entry I said I wanted to love again, I thought I did. I thought I loved the last person I tried having a relationship with, now I realize I never really did. I was just searching for a feeling, a feeling to help remind me I’m alive. Now I don’t need that in my life, nor do I want it. Truth be told, no one could ever love me the way that my Brian did... No one! Nor could I love them that way either...

Brian made me feel as though I were the only woman in the world. The way he would look at me with such love, such admiration, and adoration. Who loves someone so much that they will watch them for hours, waiting in line, just to see them work? I find myself drifting off getting lost in his eyes as though he were here in front of me... kissing me, touching me, loving me. I honestly wouldn’t even welcome anyone to even try, because they would never compare. I’m in love with my husband, every single day until the day I die—he is my one and only, forever.

How do I live without him?

What am I supposed to do with the rest of my life when you have experienced one of the greatest loves of all time? It was a love that you don't think is possible in real life. It's the love that you see on television or read in books... It's not something you truly think can actually happen in real life. From the first moment he walked in the door of my work place and the warmth that came over my body. The moment our lips first touched in the most passionate and sweetest kiss that no fireworks could even begin to describe. Everything about our love was beautiful, in such very unconventional way. We were not normal by any means and that is okay. It was okay, it was a love that was unconditional. Nothing and no one could come between us. Now worlds apart I still feel as though nothing can come between us. I refuse to allow it. I still love him with everything that I am and all that I ever will be. He is my every essence, my every breath he just is... my love...

Now back to the question of how am I supposed to live life without him?

I am trying to figure that out myself right now, and I have so many lingering open questions with so many different paths to follow--so which one do I follow?

I tried having a relationship once. I was unsure about it at first. Actually I probably spent more time fighting against it than anything else. Scared of losing my attachment to my husband. I didn't want to love again. Yet, I did find myself loving him. It was unexpected. It was a connection built surrounding my husband, so no one thought it would really work--because in the end it was always about my Brian. Maybe they were right. Surprisingly, it was not on my end though. Surprisingly it was not me and my obsession and love for my husband that I was the one that closed him out, it was him. He couldn't handle the love I have for my husband and so he closed me out. The one person I thought could love me and the love I had for my husband because of our connection...

In the end, it's okay. It hurt for awhile, it still kind of does, but nothing compared to the loss of my beloved Brian... I learned a lot about myself in this time. I learned what I want in my life and for my future. I am not closed anymore to the idea and notion of moving on and learning to live without my husband. I discovered that I want to live and love again but not with someone who wants to deny my life and my love with my past and with this great amazing man. I want someone to love me enough to welcome the love I carry for my husband with me always. I want someone strong enough to love the darkness and the pain of the loss of my heart and soul. I want someone that while I am missing him on our wedding anniversary, will bring me home flowers, kiss me on the cheek and say, these are from Brian. I want someone to love me enough and respect my past marriage and the man that sculpted me into the person I am, that on his birthday will bake a cake with me, and set off a balloon in his memory. I want someone that will hang his ornament on the Christmas tree with me. I want someone that on his angelversary will hold my hand and stare over the ocean with me in silence while I remember that moment and I say goodbye to him all over again.

I want someone to love me enough that knowing that my heart and soul are with Brian that they will love him too. They will honor him, and cherish him forever with me. Being thankful that they were the one that I chose to love after such a great and powerful love--they would be honored, not resentful. For how could I live on and love again after such an amazing man with such a powerful love that pulls us together from worlds apart? It's with strength--true strength to live on and to love again... It will take another strong soul to be able to truly love me the only way I will accept to be loved again.

Who knows... maybe this is a fantasy and it will never be able to happen. I just know I will not accept any less. To love me is to love all of me, my past, my darkness, my light, my husband--who surrounds me. I want to love him till the end of my days and all eternity--but I want to love you too. Whoever you may be, even if you exist out there in the world. Either way, I will live again--for him, for me, and for my future...

The Car

I remember the first day that Brian had gotten his PT Cruiser. He was so elated with excitement and somehow I was the first person he decided to stop by and show off his new possession. I was working at Verizon and he had me come outside to look at the new car. At this time we were still just friends. I mean, we have always been more than just friends. It was his "dream" car. It was something about how it felt pre 1950's to him, and he had an old soul.

I was working at Verizon and he brought me out to check out the entire car. Lifting the hatch even letting me listen to the factory stereo that really had decent base to it. 

He took such immaculate care of his vehicle. He always took his Sunday's to wash and detail his car so it would always remain glimmering. 

The first time Brian ever told me he loved me was on this car. Yes, you did read that right. We had gone to Casper that night for my Verizon training, and to purchase him a wardrobe, since he would be starting work with me that following Monday in training. It was a 5 hour round trip so we didn't get back until pretty late. I will be sure to keep this PG 13, but basically we were driving home and he had pulled over behind Walmart and got me out of the car and in a fit of passion he said "Kristie, I love you." I was in such shock that I had accidently broke the necklace he was wearing that day from around his neck. This necklace had meant a lot to him because it was from his children, the last thing they had gotten him. I felt so bad for years I wanted to fix the necklace but to him it not only represented his children, but also a moment we shared together, so he would never allow me to fix it.

Now back to the story... 

I am sure you are all wondering if I said it back that day--I did not. I didn't quite know how to process this. I didn't know where we stood. I was still dealing with the horror of my soon to be ex-husband. We had never even discussed commitment at this point. He was just exiting a relationship. We had been friends for two years, yes there was always the "benefits" but I also knew, we both knew, that there was always something more there--just neither of us ever wanted to explore that road before. I think we were afraid of ruining the relationship we had and ultimately losing one another and that scared us both. 

It took me several weeks to process what he had said to me. He of course back tracked it and kept apologizing. Later he admitted that he had loved me for a long time but he didn't feel that was the time or place to finally share his emotions. I, on the other hand, could not disagree more. It was perfect. In the moonlight just the two of us, and yes on a hood of a car, but it was a moment of raw emotion and passion. It was a moment that two bodies became one and control was not in the air. It could not have been more perfect to me. 

We did not commit to a "relationship" for several months later, however we both were obviously madly in love with one another. I remember telling a few of my friends that "I think I am in love with him", and how they would laugh at me and say "you are the last one to figure that one out". They were all convinced that in the course of our 2 year friendship that we were both in love with each other but too blind to see it. I am convinced they were right. Yes I did tell him I loved him, and of course it was in another moment of passion this time not on the hood of a car, but in his apartment. 

This car meant a lot to the both of us. He told me he loved me for the first time in a special time and place. We had a lot of history with this car. Many trips, and hauling children around. It was our family vehicle most of our relationship. 

Until the day he sold it...

I never wanted him to sell the car. In fact I tried convincing him that we should not sell the car. But, once Brian makes up his mind, there is no talking him out of it. 

Why did he sell the car?

We had been engaged for two years before he sold the car. I was a bit stubborn. He had proposed to me in the most beautiful way, that will lead to another story. However, because my ex-husband was so emotionally abusive, I could not help but be hesitant for the wedding. My ex used to always tell me that we would not have gotten married if it hadn't been for me. He would always say he "never proposed", which was true. We had discussed my parents displeasure for us living together, and how they were old fashioned. It was discussed that we "more than likely" would get married one day, so why not make my parents happy, as well as giving his grandfather, who was dying at the time, a chance to be at our wedding. I was 18, I had no business getting married so young. He would use this against me so often that I told Brian he had to prove to me, that he wanted to marry me. I didn't care how. I just wanted him to take initiative. If he wanted to go to the court house he had to be the one to say, "gather up the kids and lets go" or he would have to find a way to raise the money to make a wedding happen. I truly did not care. I just wanted to never experience being told it was all me and why we got married. 

After two years, he decided to prove he wanted to marry me by putting a FOR SALE sign in the window and parking it on Main St. I thought no one would buy it, actually kind of hoped no one would buy it. It was parked for one day when we got the phone call that a lady wanted to buy his beloved PT Cruiser. I was surprised, and sad at the same time. I would tell him that the car meant a lot to me because that was when he told me he loved me was on that car. He said "It's just a car. Now we can get married and I can tell you everyday for the rest of our lives I love you." 

He got the car signed over and got the envelope of cash, and he handed me the entire envelope, and said "Now, plan our wedding." 

That next month we got married...

I had always planned to get the car back. I had hoped one day I could surprise him with the car. I knew I would need time and for us to come out of our financial struggles--possibly after we were both out of school. 

I never anticipated that he would pass away and leave me behind.... 

Since the moment he had died, I KNEW I had to find that car soon. I had to have it back. The car was a display of his love for me--more than once... 

I posted on Facebook searching for the car, knowing I did not have the money to buy this car. I have other responsibilities and bills, but I could not pass it up. I NEEDED to have this car. The lady who had purchased the car had passed away shortly after purchasing it from us, and through negotiations back and forth with her descendants, I finally have this car back in my possession, back where it belongs. It sat waiting for the past couple years as though waiting to come home where it belongs. It needs some work on it, from sitting for a couple years, but hopefully in time I can have this car running and purring with all the love that we shared with this car. 

I brought the car home baby... I brought it home...