How do I live without him?

What am I supposed to do with the rest of my life when you have experienced one of the greatest loves of all time? It was a love that you don't think is possible in real life. It's the love that you see on television or read in books... It's not something you truly think can actually happen in real life. From the first moment he walked in the door of my work place and the warmth that came over my body. The moment our lips first touched in the most passionate and sweetest kiss that no fireworks could even begin to describe. Everything about our love was beautiful, in such very unconventional way. We were not normal by any means and that is okay. It was okay, it was a love that was unconditional. Nothing and no one could come between us. Now worlds apart I still feel as though nothing can come between us. I refuse to allow it. I still love him with everything that I am and all that I ever will be. He is my every essence, my every breath he just is... my love...

Now back to the question of how am I supposed to live life without him?

I am trying to figure that out myself right now, and I have so many lingering open questions with so many different paths to follow--so which one do I follow?

I tried having a relationship once. I was unsure about it at first. Actually I probably spent more time fighting against it than anything else. Scared of losing my attachment to my husband. I didn't want to love again. Yet, I did find myself loving him. It was unexpected. It was a connection built surrounding my husband, so no one thought it would really work--because in the end it was always about my Brian. Maybe they were right. Surprisingly, it was not on my end though. Surprisingly it was not me and my obsession and love for my husband that I was the one that closed him out, it was him. He couldn't handle the love I have for my husband and so he closed me out. The one person I thought could love me and the love I had for my husband because of our connection...

In the end, it's okay. It hurt for awhile, it still kind of does, but nothing compared to the loss of my beloved Brian... I learned a lot about myself in this time. I learned what I want in my life and for my future. I am not closed anymore to the idea and notion of moving on and learning to live without my husband. I discovered that I want to live and love again but not with someone who wants to deny my life and my love with my past and with this great amazing man. I want someone to love me enough to welcome the love I carry for my husband with me always. I want someone strong enough to love the darkness and the pain of the loss of my heart and soul. I want someone that while I am missing him on our wedding anniversary, will bring me home flowers, kiss me on the cheek and say, these are from Brian. I want someone to love me enough and respect my past marriage and the man that sculpted me into the person I am, that on his birthday will bake a cake with me, and set off a balloon in his memory. I want someone that will hang his ornament on the Christmas tree with me. I want someone that on his angelversary will hold my hand and stare over the ocean with me in silence while I remember that moment and I say goodbye to him all over again.

I want someone to love me enough that knowing that my heart and soul are with Brian that they will love him too. They will honor him, and cherish him forever with me. Being thankful that they were the one that I chose to love after such a great and powerful love--they would be honored, not resentful. For how could I live on and love again after such an amazing man with such a powerful love that pulls us together from worlds apart? It's with strength--true strength to live on and to love again... It will take another strong soul to be able to truly love me the only way I will accept to be loved again.

Who knows... maybe this is a fantasy and it will never be able to happen. I just know I will not accept any less. To love me is to love all of me, my past, my darkness, my light, my husband--who surrounds me. I want to love him till the end of my days and all eternity--but I want to love you too. Whoever you may be, even if you exist out there in the world. Either way, I will live again--for him, for me, and for my future...