What it’s like dating after losing you...
It has been three years...
Some people may think it has been plenty of time to mourn, and readjust... but for me? It hasn’t been long enough. I still see you. I still close my eyes and I still feel your energy, your passion, your smile... I feel you as if you were standing right here in front of me.
I still yearn for your touch your kiss and I try to drown it out in every way I can possibly think of. I have tried the Tinder app, POF app, the bar hookups, the late night call hookups. I have tried them all and every time I do I hate myself during and after. I find myself crawling out of whatever bed I happen to find myself in. I never fall asleep, I just wait for the opportunity to get up and sneak out the door. I climb into my car sitting behind the wheel and I cry. I cry the long journey back to my home, and back to my own bed where I will lie there alone.. In the bed we shared together. I cry because it’s not you I was with, not you that I kissed, not you that I touched… It wasn’t you. The only person I have ever wanted and the only person I want still.
I tried a relationship with your brother. Thinking it was a great way to move on with someone so different from you but also very much connected to you. Instead everything that was different about him that I tried to embrace, I just couldn’t. Those differences just became blindingly painful. I had to call it off after a short spell, it wasn’t fair to him and certainly wasn’t fair to me.
Then I tried stepping way back. Let’s just try the old fashioned way. Let’s date. Like date date, not some random hookup from a random stranger. Let’s let the bond set in first. Learn to appreciate the person for who THEY are. Take it slow...
Last night I went on one of those dates. While I was getting ready I waited for butterflies to set in... nothing... instead I kept seeing your face. The way you looked at me and the way you made me feel in that movie theater where we first kissed. The way you captivated my very essence. Those eyes, looking at me with wanting, and full of your playfulness, your charm. The way your lips curved into that smile baring your supremely white perfect teeth. Your scent opening up my senses and I just wanted to absorb all of you.. take you all in and be with you in every way that was possible... Then you asked to kiss me. Yes! I want you to kiss me! I would run away with you right then and there if I could. That passion and the way you cast your spell on me.
That’s what I thought about before my date. He was pleasant. We had wonderful conversations. He opened the car door for me the way that you always did. Therein lies the problem; I thought about you when he opened the door... just like you.
We got home rather late. He walked me to the door respectfully. He kissed me but not in a passionate way; just a peck on the lips. No pressure for more. No expectations.
We said our goodnight, and I crawled into that big lonely bed… I pulled the blankets up close to me, up over my shoulders snuggled down into my pillow, closed my eyes and continued my memory, of you and me, the first time we kissed. Not thinking about the date I just had with this pleasant gentleman. Not thinking about anything really except you… and that is where I wanted to stay… in my memory of you.
This morning I woke up lonelier than I have been in a long while. I missed your arms. I missed your smell... I missed the way I would rest my hand upon your chest in the mornings, over your heart... to feel your heart beat... to feel each breath with the raise and decline of your chest... and I cried... I cried because you’re it for me. I want you and only you now and forever and you left me... what am I supposed to do with that? How am I ever to date anyone when you are all I long for...
