Love and Pride

I sit here, staring at this piece of paper. I am receiving an award for my commercials at the W.A.B Convention. It looks like a beautiful hotel, and a day filled with events. I have the option to take a guest with me, and suddenly I realize I have no one to take with me. No one I would really want to take with me. It's nothing personal against all of my family and friends. It's just not the same as having Brian there.

Brian was always so very proud of me. He would make me feel as though I could walk among the clouds. The first time he met me at Verizon, he was so perplexed watching me work. He said it was awe dropping watching me handle so many different tasks in such a professional manner. He never watched anyone work so hard in his life as he did me. So he would come in just to watch me work.

Everything I ever accomplished in life he seemed to be my number one supporter. He believed in every one of my dreams, my ambitions. He thought there was nothing I could not do. He was so proud of me graduating from Central Wyoming College. He was proud of me getting my job at the radio station. He was proud to hear my voice on the radio. He loved listening to the stereo just to catch my commercials. He made me feel proud of me. I worked hard just to see the pride in his eyes. I loved the feeling I got as he would look at me like I could take on the world. 

Now I sit here looking at this flyer and I hurt, I feel such loss... He should be there--in the crowd cheering me on, proud of my accomplishments. I should be feeling proud, I should feel some kind of happy--instead I feel empty. He's not here. Not here to look at me with pride. Not here to cheer me on as they call me to stage. Not here to brag to the world what his wife has accomplished... 

I miss how much he loved me. I have never experienced such love in my life, and I don't think many people have. It was beautiful. We had flaws, but love was not one of them. We loved so deeply, so passionately. I will forever miss the pride and the love in his eyes... 

He loved me... Truly and deeply, just as I do him--still...

I am pissed at you!

I am so pissed at you. I cannot believe you would leave me here--like this. I am angry to watch the world as it goes by.

I find myself staring out the window, as the spring rain trickles down splattering along the glass. I watch as the cars go by, spraying up the water on the streets. I am so hurt watching their wheels as they turn, and as one car goes by after another.

I look across the street, at the other buildings, knowing there is life behind those walls. Wondering what it is they suffer. I envision the people behind the walls, making coffee, picking up laundry, slippers on their feet as they shift around on the floors, carrying on with their day, and their life--the T.V. in the background with the Today show flashing between news stories.

I look at the trees that are damp and dark with moisture, with the leaves that have taken bloom, and the dead branches among the limbs of the living. There they sit with no leaves, waiting to be cut away from the tree that clearly no longer wants them. I can somehow relate to these trees, these branches.

I don't know how I am supposed to live this life. I am stuck here. I am stuck here without you. Like these branches, like this tree. I am stuck here waiting...

Why? Why would you hurt me? Why would you show me a life of love and then leave me with so much pain?

I am so angry you get to rest. That you got to take your pain and suffering away, and you left it with me to bare, completely on my own. You gave me not only my own pain, but yours that you left behind. What do I do with all of this pain? Where do I put it?

You escaped your pain, you seemed to have the answer. You felt pain and you broke pills down into a fluid to inject in your arm. You took pills to wash it away. Except you didn't. You just put it all onto those around you that you loved.

I am pissed at you!

You could have chosen me. You could have chosen our family.

Instead you left us. You left us broken. You left us with so much pain that it is simply unbearable.

I love you, but I am pissed at you...