I find myself staring out the window, as the spring rain trickles down splattering along the glass. I watch as the cars go by, spraying up the water on the streets. I am so hurt watching their wheels as they turn, and as one car goes by after another.
I look across the street, at the other buildings, knowing there is life behind those walls. Wondering what it is they suffer. I envision the people behind the walls, making coffee, picking up laundry, slippers on their feet as they shift around on the floors, carrying on with their day, and their life--the T.V. in the background with the Today show flashing between news stories.
I look at the trees that are damp and dark with moisture, with the leaves that have taken bloom, and the dead branches among the limbs of the living. There they sit with no leaves, waiting to be cut away from the tree that clearly no longer wants them. I can somehow relate to these trees, these branches.
I don't know how I am supposed to live this life. I am stuck here. I am stuck here without you. Like these branches, like this tree. I am stuck here waiting...
Why? Why would you hurt me? Why would you show me a life of love and then leave me with so much pain?
I am so angry you get to rest. That you got to take your pain and suffering away, and you left it with me to bare, completely on my own. You gave me not only my own pain, but yours that you left behind. What do I do with all of this pain? Where do I put it?
You escaped your pain, you seemed to have the answer. You felt pain and you broke pills down into a fluid to inject in your arm. You took pills to wash it away. Except you didn't. You just put it all onto those around you that you loved.
I am pissed at you!
You could have chosen me. You could have chosen our family.
Instead you left us. You left us broken. You left us with so much pain that it is simply unbearable.
I love you, but I am pissed at you...
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