The back story to this letter he wrote me:
We had gotten into a fight when I got a phone call to come and pick up the Consent Decree for his daughter, that would outline all of the allegations made by DFS and his daughter, who I once too believed was mine. I was forewarned that the report was going to be brutal and I was even encouraged to reconsider allowing her back into our home, because they were concerned if she came back that the allegations would only get worse.
The report I had read was horrendous I cried the entire time I was reading it but I could not put it down. I kept reading it over and over again, with tears streaming down my face. I looked to my husband lost not knowing what to do from here. I asked if we should just let her go with her mom, or maybe if we should consider a sort of reform school. The advice I had gotten terrified me. They said "What if she next lies and says one of your boys touched her? Kristie think about how far she is willing to go here with all of these lies. They won't stop. They will only get worse, she is setting out to destroy you. Do you want to lose your kids while she is on the road of destruction."
I was ridden with fear! The report I read, was accusing me of abuse as well. The things that were listed in that report were heartbreaking to read! I was terrified that after all these years of protecting my children, what if this person's advice was right and I suddenly would not be able to protect my own children. Yet, I was torn with the love I had for this little girl.
Brian became so angry at my fears, and so angry at what was in that report, that after hours of me sitting there sobbing, he ripped the paper out of my hands and said "Stop looking at that, it's no longer your problem!" He practically spit the words at me.
This set me off in a rage! How was it NOT my problem. I yelled at him that it was every bit my problem. She was my daughter and I loved her and she was rejecting me! She was rejecting ME! I was so hurt by her report, so hurt by his words. I took all my wedding stuff off the wall and said this is how he feels about our family. This is where I stand. A worthless hated step mother and wife. (I took the wedding stuff down every time I was throwing a baby tantrum).
After screaming at him I went upstairs and laid in bed with my daughter and cried. He came to the door and told me to come to bed with him. He wasn't polite about it, and I was still so angry at him for what he had said I told him no.
I slept that night with my daughter, then went to work, and avoided coming home for lunch. I still was not prepared to see him. I didn't know what I was to expect from him if I had come home. Would we fight? I didn't want to fight. I was tired of hurting so much at this point. This case had been ruling our life for the past three months and all there was left was tears and heartache every single day.
When I got home from work that evening I came down to my room and saw this letter written on a used piece of paper lying on my pillow:
Tuesday
03/08/16
Kristie
I love you. Not worth the used paper it is written on. I need you. Not much in reasons for you to want to come home or even sleep in the bed. Your home, your bed I said I will leave. You would like that and who wouldn't? I have children, one I told, we are a combo that I refused to split, only days later, clearly a combo I mistakingly allowed faith to believe existed. I foolishly hold strong to values that appear dead to others. Children I hate still deserve a world not poluted, and the children I love a world absent of me. As well as the women who regret our meeting entirely. I deserve more punishment than this life has time to offer me and the time you waste that in no way belongs to you could be saved. Spent more productively on children who deserve more than the pain that swallows the little time they have. Our wedding might serve as a decoration for your mood but remains for
me the single greatest moment allowed me since mmy arrival here. All the truth you attempt to conceal is the one savior for the hopes and possibilities we all deserve. Your freedom and the children's rite to a life without negativity is as attainable as a short to the point conversation filled only with hidden truth and actual desires laid out. With the only consequence of such a discussion leaving everyone getting what they want and me getting exactly what I deserve admitting that the love of your children and the heart you protect I never deserved in the first place. I can promise you that between telling me to leave and telling me the truth you'll find that the truth only you know can deliver the results you want without impacting the worthless love I have for you and your children. My heart and manhood are small and useless but belong to you none the less so please I beg you to do as you wish to both. But please don't leave them alone in a home they're not wanted with a woman that is tired of both. I will always love you.
- Brian
I wrote him a letter back, which he threw away. Telling him that no I loved him. That he deserved the best a wife could give him. That he always deserved the best. I told him he was a wonderful father and how blessed we were to have had him in our lives, and my children to have had him as their father.
I went upstairs and laid on his chest and told him I was sorry and that I loved him. He asked why I didn't come home for lunch and I said "because I don't want to fight anymore". We had scheduled an appointment with Sky with every determination to throw out the consent decree so that those bogus reports could not be used against us at a later date. He had convinced us not to go to trial, telling us just to do everything asked and anytime she acted up once brought back into the home, we would just call DFS, since they created this problem we were going to allow them to handle it.
This gave me renewed fight to keep going. Now that I had a solution in place I felt like it was time for us to regroup and do what needed done... Unfortunately my husband did not feel the same way. He was still very tired, and his fight would only get worse over the next few days... He got lost, he started giving up, and no amount of fight I had in me was bringing him back...
No comments:
Post a Comment