Why?

A friend once told me, while I was in an emotional state, nothing new really, asking "Why?". I was questioning if my husband loved me. If he loved me, then how could he have left me? I am so lost, so confused, so alone...

She told me "I have never understood what it was like to fall in love with an addict until recently." Suddenly she understood why I always stayed with Brian all these years. Why I always fought for Brian, because she too recently fell for an addict.

She told me, she believed fully that he did love me, without question. That maybe, just maybe, he wanted nothing more in this world than to be with me, but he didn't know how to stop hurting me. Dragging me through his constant tug of war with drugs. She told me, "maybe he let go this time because he wanted to find a way to be with you, without hurting you anymore."

Could this be the case? Could he have just finally given up, and let go because he loved me that much? Not just me but our children, his children. So many people judge him and used his drug addiction against him--punishing him. My own frustrations and anger casting him out, because I wasn't strong enough to endure the relapse, not this time. Was he just tired of losing his battle? Feeling completely unwanted, but loving with all that he had--the family that he felt was rejecting him.

I don't know that I would have wanted to live through that myself. Even without battling addiction.

Could he have loved us, all of of us so much that this was the only way? Did he feel it was the only way he could be with all of his children, his wife--was to just let go and live within our hearts, with his spirit, and no longer hurt us?

If so he was wrong! This does not make the pain any less... Though somehow it makes some form of sense in a warped way of thinking.

I would much rather kept fighting with him, and for him. I would have fought and fought for him until the day we both were grey and old--holding onto our love, dying together. Couldn't he have just loved us all enough to keep living? Keep fighting?

But, how exhausting that must have felt. Right now in my own grief, I am beyond exhausted. So how could I in my right mind, and selfishness, say that I don't care how tired he was, he should have held on out of love? I did not endure as much loss and heartache as he had during his lifetime, so who am I to judge? Hell, if I could, I would give up right now. I would find my release from this life to go be with him. No... I can't fault him for being too tired to keep fighting.

I can only hope that what they say is true, that he does live in spirit among us. I can only hope and pray that everything we hear about the the afterlife is true, and that one day, when the time is right, we will truly be joined together, and my soul, and heart will be whole once more.

I love him, now and forever... heart and soul... for the rest of my life.