March 26, 2016
I lost my husband to addiction.
I know what some of you might be thinking; "He's just another junkie, an addict." To some he may not be worth a second thought, just another addict off the streets.
I am here to tell you that my husband was so much more than an addict. My husband's name is Brian Lee Becknell Wright. He was a father, a husband, a son, a grandson, brother, nephew, cousin, and friend.
My husband battled addiction from the time he was 14. He did not live a life that one would call "normal". His parents were addicts, he lived in a community surrounded by addicts. Cincinnati is a different world than the one we live in.
Brian moved here with his daughter to escape that life, to escape the temptations of addiction. He did well here as long as he could.
One fateful day he had a cut on his finger that got infected and eventually had to get lanced open. Brian had warned the doctor that he had a substance abuse problem. The doctor asked him how long it had been, approximately 5 years at this time, the doctor told him he should be fine and gave him the prescription anyway. For days that bottle sat on his fridge as he continued to ignore it, until one day out of depression he decided to take some. That began another spiral and battle with abuse. Mind you this was before me.
When I was going through a very unfortunate traumatic event in my life, Brian was there, when no one else had the strength. He was able to pull me out of my darkness and saved me, saved my family. I attest this to the fact that he had come from a very dark past, so he was able to relate. He knew how to swim in the darkness. He taught me how to swim along side him. He was also at a cross road in his life and somehow I think we needed each other, to focus, and give us a reason to move forward, to swim.
I will remember the day he called me to his house and told me "I am addicted to pills. I wanted to tell you this because I am going to get clean and be better for you guys. You already have one piece of shit in your life now sitting in prison. I'm not going to be another one in your life. I want to be perfect for you. You deserve a better life."
I did not know what to say, so I said nothing. I did not know anything about addiction at this time. I didn't even know people abused pills, I didn't realize that was a thing. I had friends that occasionally smoked pot, so this was new for me. I did, however, grasp the magnitude of what he was saying, he wanted to be better for me, for us.
That day he told me to take his daughter as he went through withdrawals and went to seek treatment in Casper. He did not use again for almost two years.
He relapsed when my son got sick in the hospital for three weeks. We were stuggling financially as well as emotionally. The one thing to understand with an addict is that when they start battling hard times, the first thing they want to do is escape. We all do. Addicts just tend to find a way to escape instead of dealing with the issue at hand. It was a hard time but we ended up making it through.
When Brian would make mistakes they were usually short lived. They did not last long. But they were a struggle none the less. We got him back on treatment at one point, hoping it would help, however this time it did not work. So he tried the old fashioned way and got clean. He was clean almost a year before he hurt his back walking our dog. Upon getting hurt the first thing he told doctors was that he could not have pain medications. They had to give him something, so they did, and at first he did not abuse them. They prescribed him methadone, which is for chronic pain, but is also treated for opiod addicts.
It was about six months into his treatment that he decided to switch doctors. This doctor gave him way too many prescriptions; oxycodone 30mg, 4x's a day, methadone 4x's a day, and Xanax 4x's a day. I was furious and begged the doctor to not treat my husband with such drugs. I warned the doctor about his problems with medications. The doctor continued to prescribe them, stating that unless he ruined his trust with them, they would not allow him to go in pain. My words went unnoticed.
For several months he was on this ridiculous dosage, until eventually the doctor lost their privileges from so many patients that died under their care.
My husband somehow was able to find another doctor to continue writing prescriptions for him. At least this doctor did cut out the Xanax, and methadone, and cut my husband down to 3 oxycodone 30mg, per day. at first he continued abusing them. Until he decided to get some help again. He checked himself into Wyoming Behavioral Institute, WBI, to help him get better. Upon leaving we made an agreement that I would manage his medications. It worked for several months. I would not allow him to abuse them and never let him take more than he was given.
He continued to fight to be a better man.
Before his completely unexpected death, we were going through an extremely stressful situation. I won't go into that, since it was hard on all of us. He kept fighting and trying to do his best and resist his urges. His depression started to sink in deeper and I could not get him to pull out of it, partly because I too was depressed and didn't know what to do.
My husband, my Brian relapsed. It broke my heart to see he had relapsed and out of anger and frustration I threw him out. Not out of hatred. I love my husband I just could not handle going through the relapse on top of everything else. I begged him to choose me, and he told me he couldn't, he tried he just couldn't. I knew that it was the depression and the desperation to escape that was talking and not him. I figured he would go do his thing, then come home and get clean like he always does. Like he has so many times in the past. There was a lot of anger and hurt that day, but we both also knew we loved each other and even said as much. I begged him to stop and he admitted that he couldn't no matter how much he loved me he just couldn't.
That Friday morning he got to see a new doctor, that prescribed him 3 oxycodones 30mg per day, 7 Xanax, and a handful of clonozopam. In his medical records he had almost died coming off from Xanax a little over a year ago. Benzo's and alcohol are the only two things you can actually die from withdrawals. He had a huge history of all these things I had stated and even more. Yet this doctor gave him all these drugs in one of the most depressing and stressful times of our lives.
That night he took a large dosage of each medication. No it was not suicide, he just pushed his limits to far with the mixture of medications.
I do not blame the doctor. Nor do I blame everyone that had him extremely depressed. I know it was my husband's choice. What I am angry about, do not mistake my anger for blame, is the people that drove him into severe depression, targeting him based off from his past and the fact that they judged him and criticized him as a "junkie". He endured a lot in the last days of his life. I am angry about the lies that were told about my husband, and judgements passed onto him. I am angry at the doctor for not taking a moment to actually look at his history and deny him treatment. I am angry he was not flagged as a pill seeker in spite of all the warning signs as well as verbal warnings from him and myself. I am also hurt and angered that even in his passing people still judge him, still criticize him, and do not see the great qualities this man has, as well as the fight that was in him. He just lost his fight one day and that day cost our entire family, and his loved ones, his amazing presence in this world.
You're a great writer Kristie - I'm so terribly sorry that any of this had to happen but I really appreciate you can share this with others. Hugs to you all
ReplyDeleteThank you. I am hoping that somehow I can make a difference in someone's life.
DeleteI'm so sorry for your loss. I have a sister who is exactly like this. It's been 15 years. My prayers are with all of you, sincerely. ...Rebecca
ReplyDeleteI pray she gets help before it is too late. Thank you for sharing.
DeleteI'm proud of you, sister. I believe you did the right thing in making a stand and asking your loved one to leave, in order to safeguard your home. And your storytelling here is potentially very valuable, as it may reveal some heavy-hitting wake-up calls that could save lives. Much love to you and your family.
ReplyDelete