Karma doesn't exist...

As I sit here pondering life and the world around me I can't help but notice how ugly it is. Maybe this is a dark post. Negative view of life. But the reality is there is no such thing as karma, there is no such thing as people who get what they deserve.

Good people that do good things and always try to do the right thing don't have the fairy tale endings. They end up with tragedies, heart break, and sometimes death.

Those that do bad things, evil things, wrong and selfish things, seemingly end up getting whatever they want out of life. Maybe not always, but sometimes... They end up living--winning, and carrying on. Gloating as if the world is theirs and never feel an ounce of karma, or suffer the consequences of their actions.

The world is an ugly place with only small moments of joy and happiness that very few of us seem to get to enjoy for a very short time. It is not just... it is not fair. It just is...

I have always tried to do right by others, give to others. I have helped with funeral costs and arrangements for a new born baby that died of SIDS, I have donated to a little boy fighting cancer. I have raised funds for a mother that lost her husband weeks before the birth of a new baby. These are only some of the things I have done to always be a good supportive person. I didn't do it for glory, recognition or personal gain. I did it because it was the right thing to do. Or I thought it was the right thing to do.

My husband always tried to be a good person. He was always so negative about himself, but he was always giving to others, when he could. He would climb school buildings to get a little girls Frisbee off the roof top. He would walk across streets in the snow to help old men that slipped on ice. He always tried to be a good. He said it was so he could maybe get recognition from God for all the bad choices he had made earlier on in life, and make up for them. Although from so many stories I heard from his friends and his family he was always genuinely a good guy, that just sometimes, or often made bad choices, but even then, some of those bad choices were for good, no matter how misguided, reasons.

He was there for me when I became a single mother of four children, about to lose my home, with a car that was falling to pieces. He was there for me to give me fight and courage to keep going even when I wanted to give up. He gave me a safe haven.

He was a father to our children. The best father that he could possibly be. He gave our children structure. He encouraged them, and believed in them. He gave them a role model of what to do and what not to do. He was our protector, our strength.

Somehow him being a father, a good father! Was the beginning of a downward spiral of his demise. He fought for so long for his child, his children, to protect them, and their innocence. Yet in the end the world turned against him. Using his past against him. He was punished. Stripped of his right to be a father, because rules were not something that a teenager can abide by and in his own words "the legal system that kidnapped [his] daughter". The amount of torment that we endured was excruciating. 

Suddenly hearing that you have been nothing but a drug addict, and abusive your whole life, and needed help, even though he had sat on that couch for months resisting his urges to use, staying away from bad people, and being clean. Listening to all the work and sacrifices he made in life, were for nothing, because that child didn't want to live with you, or abide by your rules, that he "needed help".

To read documents stating how "abusive" he was from the mothers, yes plural, of his children, one he had not been apart of her life for six years. The other mother that refused to pay a dime of support, and be supportive and mature when we begged her to be. To read those damming papers of his own child saying "he wants to pimp me out to make money". For his last visit to be told he was abusive because he asked about her grades, and when he made a point that one grade can't slip to improve another. To get berated from DFS on how he talks to his child. Because he cared about her grades?

The pain I myself endured, for all the times I held her while she cried when her "mother" broke a promise or lied to her about money, or sending gifts, or fighting for custody. For all the times I was there giving up time with my four children, because I loved, and believed she was mine. I was at every sideline of every single game. I was there when kids were cruel to her at school. I was there taking her on shopping trips, I could not afford, because she felt down about herself. The money I gave her mother for gifts at Christmas, so that her daughter would not feel left out during our visit over the holidays, even though her mother was $20,000 back in child support and had not paid more than $60 in the 6 years she had been living with me. Paying for dance lessons she wanted, and soccer she wanted, even when I couldn't afford my other son art lessons. I gave, only to hear insults that she "never saw me as a mother figure" that we had a strained relationship because she "refused to call me mother". Even though not one single time did I request this. Never once did I force myself on her. I just loved her. Suddenly it was for nothing.

Now here we are life....

Her "mother" the only person her father said she ever truly loved, receives a pay check from my husbands death. They are all a "happy family". A family I can't help but resent. Because it was me that fought for her relationship with the mother of his other two children. Sending birthday gifts, enduring the abusive insults for years from his ex, before I was able to break through and finally get her able to talk with her siblings. The trips I would run late at night and short on money to run her across the mountain in the snow to be there and rekindle their relationship.

The family with the "mother" that refused to ever support her daughter for years, only lies, and broken promises. The "mother' I endured countless name callings and insults from, attacking my looks, my weight, and even as low as telling me my first husband did what he did just to get away from me. The "mother" that for years Brian would tell me to break communication, block numbers, etc. But I refused, because looking at the little face of the girl I loved so much I could not remove her from her life. So instead I helped her go behind her father's back and ask everyone to please be mature, and why we can't all just get along and find a way to support one another as if we were an extended family. I wanted that little girl to have all the love in the world she could possibly have.

Now here I am eight years of all the tears, the sweat, the time and the money spent and I am nothing. She has her family and they are all happy. Completely disregarding everything I did to help them be a family, a family that ultimately destroyed my family.

They are happy. I was happy once too... we had a happy family once, or so I had believed... I guess it was always a lie. All the texts, all the messages, all the essays, and poems written about me being such a great "mother" and how lucky she was to have me and how much she loved me. All a lie... Just one giant lie to get what she could out of me, for all of them to get what they wanted out of me.

I struggle every single day of my life. Not only emotionally, but financially, still fighting for my children and keeping their home, their livelihood. Even though in the end it was me that loved him. It was my kids that stood beside him, and defended him, and loved him. We receive nothing. Nothing but the insurmountable bills.

No this isn't about money, but the fact of how unfair it is that these people all bashed my husband, through countless messages and posts wishing he were "dead". What a "dead beat father" he was, how much "help" he needed. How "abusive and evil" he was. Now they all get to enjoy in the glory of his death. Nothing more than a paycheck to all of them. Well he was so much more than that to me, to us, to my children. He was my husband, he was their father!

The only thing I want--is my husband back. I want him alive. I want him next to me every single day. I want to love him. Hold him. Kiss him. Bills were exhausting always, but with him I felt hope, and that it was all worth every moment. Every time I worked late, every time I was sore, and could barely move, it was worth every moment for my family. I fought for them, I struggled for them. I loved them...

I think back to my ex husband that is sitting in prison. How much does he suffer really? Was it worth doing the right thing? I turned him in for molesting my daughter, protecting my family, and for what? He will not ever have to worry about how to feed the kids every day, if the mortgage gets paid, He lives. When he gets out, he gets a whole new life. By the time he gets out he can actually start a new family if he wanted to. As disgusting as an idea this is, he can. He is sitting in prison, so child support is not something he worries about, in fact in the decree, since he is set to be in prison throughout my children's youth, child support was not ordered.

What was the point in making the right choice? If I had not turned him in, I would receive child support. If he were dead, the kids would receive social security. So, he pays no bills, he gets to live and be secure for his next meal and the lights are always on.

I guess there really is no price to pay for the protection of my daughter, as well as the protection of any other possible victims... There is no price you can actually put onto that. It just kind of sucks that I feel as though I am being punished for his mistakes, and for doing the right thing.

This isn't even just about me, and my family, and the unjust bullshit we have had to endure in life. It seems to be people in general. What the fuck is Karma? I have done nothing but try and do all the right things. I see others that are good people always doing the right things. Where is this so called Karma?

My husband received his "karma" by being dead. By beaten down to feel as though he was nothing but scum on the bottom of these peoples shoes. That the lies that were said, and lies that were reported, that he gave up trying to be clean, tired of feeling, tired of fighting. He gave up hope on why he should try, if his own daughter didn't want him, and everyone worked against him based off from his past transgressions, and criminal history. A criminal history that wasn't even violent. The karma he received by trying to be a good father and trying to protect his child from making mistakes, mistakes that could destroy her life.

Where is this supposed karma? Vacations and shopping trips? Happiness and freedom in new lives that was awarded with a check and not even a second thought for who was hurt? So long as they just keep receiving that check every single month.

The karma for the people that "legally kidnapped" his child. The lies, the harassment, the judgement, and overall mishandling of this case from the very beginning. They all got to move on close a case file and carry on their jobs to continue destroying other families. We are nothing but a fleeting past thought, a closed case. Who cares? They got what they were after proving my husband was "nothing but a junkie" not a person, not a father to the four kids that did want him. not a husband to a wife that adored him, that needed him.

No they won... they all won. Everyone except the five people left in this house that always believed in him, loved him, and wanted him to be their father, to be my husband.

Karma? Karma doesn't exist. Bad things happen to good people and good things happen to bad people. Karma was a word formulated to create fear or that "feel good feeling" that people are searching desperately for in their moments of hope, or moments of pain. Wishing karma on those that have done you wrong, or those doing good things, because you believe something good will happen to you because you were a good person or did a good deed.

Will I stop doing good things because I call bullshit on karma? No... I don't think I am wired that way. I don't like seeing others hurt. I will always help people when I can because frankly I am not an asshole. I am not "buying my way into heaven" I am not trying to prove any point. It is just who I am by nature. Will I ever get a damn thing out of it? No... I will still come home and wonder if my lights will be on today, and worry about my kids next meal. There's no magical check coming my way and no change of events. I will still have to get up and work my ass off every single day of my life, even though I don't even want to leave my house.

I don't know that I believe in miracles at all any more. I think there are good people and bad people and I think some people are fortunate to have good things happen to them not based on whether they are good or bad people, but just because shit fucking happens, and you either get shit on, or you get lucky.

There will still be assholes out there never having to admit they are assholes and never facing consequences for their asshole decisions that destroyed people's lives. They get to go on about their lives with their "happy families" and fuck the family they destroyed.

There will also always be the good people out there in the world always giving of themselves, and loving others, and will never receive an ounce of recognition, no pay back no "karma". They will still struggle, They will still live their shitty lives but they will do it with a smile and a hope for humanity. I believe I was once one of these people... I will still always give and do for others because I guess it's how I am wired. But my faith that good things happen to good people no longer exists.

Truth is, the world is an ugly place with a mix of good people and bad people. You have a choice if you want to be good or if you want to be bad but this notion of Karma, is bullshit. Be an asshole, hope it makes you feel good. Hope it makes you feel good destroying peoples lives. If that's your game, great, stay the fuck away from me, I am done with people like this. I am done believing that the world can intermingle and get along. Ugly, heartless people will band together and never change, so go live your heartless lives and hopefully you're happy. I just hope that the beautiful people with great hearts will never be tainted with negativity and can stay strong enough to create what little beauty that is left in the world. The world needs more light.

The one thing we need to stop is the notion of karma. There is no karma. Just life and actions, and consequences of our actions--of our choices, and the choices of others that effect many.

I am glad it is so easy for all of you to forget when this is my life, surrounding me every single second of every single day and every single night, until one day I may be blessed to no longer wake from this life, this hell that is on earth--in due time, since four children only have me that is left in their life. I live, no matter how much you wish me dead.