Without you...

I am struggling today like any other day I guess. Just sometimes it becomes so incredibly unbearable! I have no idea where to turn to or who to scream to. Feels as though everyone is tired of listening to my same sorrows. Always trying to give me words of encouragement or telling me to get on meds or med check, counseling. You name it they all say it. There is nothing I haven't heard yet.

I don't know how to go on without you, I keep trying. I keep trying to find motivation, inspiration, and surround myself with my kids who need me. Yet, sometimes I feel like you are calling me to come to you. Or maybe that's more my own desires just wanting to go be with you...

This pain is excruciating. I love you. I have always loved you and to live without that love, feels like there is no purpose to live at all anymore. I miss our family that we once had. I miss the laughter I miss the love. I miss that I had someone to come home to and share in my day, my frustrations, my successes, my goals.

I try hard to cling onto Kiki, and knowing she needs me, I know all my kids do but the boys are so independent and Kiki has been through the most pain, and them most loss, I can't leave her. It feels so unfair sometimes to feel the burden of life.

It is so difficult to do what is right by my children when the only thing in the world I want to do is find the spot you died, take the sleeping bag you were on, that I sleep with every single night, and inject the poisons into my veins and let it all slip away so that you can come to me and take me, and I can be with you.

Life is so cruel, and the world is so ugly. I have no choice but to live on and keep going. I wish you were around finding ways to encourage me and give me strength to keep going--keep fighting. Instead, all I want to do is find you and be with you.

Never, not one day in my life have I ever not wanted to work, and yet I don't want to get up and exist outside of my home. I wish I could just find a way to stay home, not be apart of the outside world. I just want to stay here. If I can't go be with you, I would rather surround myself with you, your belongings, your memory. I am tired of pretending. I am tired of putting on the fake smile for the benefit of others. I just want to be left alone, be alone, if I can't have you apart of my world, I don't want to be apart of the world...