I have found myself on the edge, several times, of just ending the pain. I had to fight off those demons within me and it took every ounce of strength I could muster to get through it. I eventually always made it but I don't think anyone understands how exhausting it is to get through those battles and those moments.
Today I woke up at noon, I don't ever sleep that long, but I guess I needed it. It was a lot of emotions I have been building up as of late...
Brian hated his birthday. Every year I would try to do something subtle for him, so that I could say I love him, and how thankful I am for his birth and his life, without making him feel uncomfortable.
The very first year we were together I made the mistake of buying him some birthday gifts and cards and took it to his door. He was vacuuming and he just looked at me, I stood there in the door with a huge smile of anticipation across my face, extending out the gift bag to him. He just stared at me with disgust, before saying "I don't want that." I was so angry I stormed out of his apartment and stewed over it for hours as I went to Riverton to do other shopping. When I got back I took the crumpled bag and left it at his door in a total crumpled mess. Then I wrote a note and that said "If you don't want it fine, take out your own trash."
The next day he showed up to work wearing the gift I had gotten him along with the cologne. He applogixed to me and told me that birthdays were just not a big deal to him and he preferred being left alone on his birthday.
Over the years I learned subtle things to celebrate. I made him a birthday cake with the Bengals emblam and just left it in the fridge, and went to work.Other times I would buy cologne and make him personalized cards and leave them on the bed while he was in the shower and I would head off to work. I have left his favorite candy and cologne in his night stand drawer for him to find on his own. His favorite gift, that even he couldn't ignore was the year he came home to his puppy, his beautiful pitbull puppy he always wanted. It was instant love. He cared for that dog so much! She was so much like him, they were comfortable laying in bed all day, sometimes until 3 in the afternoon. I could never understand it, but they were content. We named her Felony, it was the only gift he repeatedly thanked me for time and time again.
He never believed he was worth celebrating. He had so much self loathing for the mistakes he had made in his life. He always thought he would be dead by the age of 24. He never felt as though he was worthy of life. He had such a negative view on the fact that he was consistently battling his addiction, never saw himself as more than his addiction. He hated all the people he had hurt in his lifetime.
In his mind he had two kids that despised him and he never got to see them, and it tore him apart, and the one daughter he did have, he always said she hated him and wanted nothing more than to be with her mother, and him being alive was the only thing stopping her from being where she truly wanted to be. He always believed my kids would be better off without him, and that I could do so much better than him and he did nothing but complicate my life.
It tore me up every single time we had these conversations. He could not grasp the fact that I loved HIM. I chose him. I wanted my life with him. Was it always easy? No. It was damn hard! But it was worth every single sacrifice. Every complication. He was worth FIGHTING for! I fought like hell for him... I would have fought for him until the day I died, he WAS worth it.
He was so young. I am so young... To have to go on through this life without him is devastating. He should be here right now. For me to leave little secret presents. To enjoy the cake the kids made for him last night.
I love you Brian. I am happy you were born, and happy you came into my life and loved me, and gave me real love. I miss you.
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